Holding On and Letting Go

It's been over two months since my last post. There are reasons I needed to step away from sharing but I won't elaborate on those . . . what's important to me is that I'm back on track somewhat now so here goes . . .

I'm still working on the "restored" thing. I wonder if I'm not alone in something: There's one area of my life that is completely and utterly un-restored. Not because it can't be or shouldn't be, but because I haven't let it be. Don't get me wrong, there are LOTS of areas of my life needing to be restored. But this one area stands out far above the rest.

I'd like to say I've tried giving it to Him. I have tried it just enough to tell myself that I've tried it. Make sense? But in reality it's still mine. I keep a tight hold on it. And I can't figure out exactly why.

It's not like it's doing me any good. Just the opposite. But there's something about this struggle--this baggage--that speaks to something at the very core of me. Something happened recently that brought it flooding back. And whatever handle I thought I had on it was ripped away in an instant. Funny how we think we have a hold on something that in reality holds us instead.

I feel like Paul. Wanting to do something but not wanting to do it at the same time. Knowing the right thing to do but avoiding it with everything I have in me. Sometimes I feel like I'll struggle with this till I'm 90. Maybe I will. Is this my "thorn"? I'm not sure I even understand that passage of Scripture.

Sorry for all the ambiguity tonight, but I guess part of this struggle, this baggage, is that it keeps itself well hidden. Only lets me say so much. Wants to remain in the shadows. Typing that just now sparked me to run a search on "light" and "darkness"--1 Cor. 4:5 ". . . wait till the Lord comes. He will bring to light what is hidden in darkenss and will expose the motives of mens hearts." All I can say to that is yikes! I have some work to do . . . or should I say I have some work to let God do. Hm . . .