Right now I am praying fervently for so many couples who are somewhere in the process of trying to conceive a child, or enduring a difficult pregnancy, or suffering the loss of a baby. It seems lately that these types of heart aches have been resurfacing in the lives of friends, and friends of friends, and even some strangers I have come in contact with through various paths.
I am so thankful to have two beautiful healthy children. And yet, my heart aches daily for my child that lives in heaven--the one I never got to hold in my arms. And I know that I am not alone. SO many women I know have endured the pain of miscarriage (many multiple times), and many have lost children of all ages. And I know this is not just a pain that is specific to women--husbands/fathers are hurting as well.
I don't have any answers tonight. Scripture, however, does. It has so much to say about the blessing of a child, about God's ability to give this gift of life to those who thought it not possible. It even speaks of those children who did not live to see life on this side of the womb. So that is what I am clinging to tonight.
For others, I truly pray God gives them the desires of their hearts. I pray that God's Spirit would continually impress it upon my heart to continually lift them up in prayer--if it were me, I'd want to know, really know, that others were praying for me.
For myself, I cling to what God's Word says about where my baby is today, though not here in my arms, he or she awaits me in what Job describes as paradise. In his book, he speaks of a child who never saw the "light of day" as being in a place where "the weary are at rest. Captives also enjoy their ease; they no longer hear the slave driver’s shout. The small and the great are there, and the slave is freed from his master." That sure sounds like Heaven to me.
My only encouragement to anyone reading this post would be to share in the hurts of others any way you can. It is human nature to try to avoid hurting if we can. But for those who can't avoid it, it just might help if someone comes alongside and does nothing more but to hurt along with them.
For my friends who are hurting tonight. Just know I love you, I am making a conscious effort to keep my heart open and willing to hurt along with yours, and you are continually being lifted up in prayer.
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Thursday, March 25, 2010
James Says it All
Not sure really what to say tonight. Hurting deeply for others who are hurting deeply. Struggling with really old baggage. Wanting to feel the nearness of the Lord moreso than I do right now. Realizing that to draw near to Him is for Him to draw near to me.
In typing this just now I wanted to look up the verse about drawing near to God and Him drawing near to me. I found it in James and found it interesting that the passage speaks directly to each of the issues I listed above (in order even!)--funny how that happens sometimes.
James 4:7, 8 (my comments are italicized within the text below)
"Submit yourselves, then, to God (the hurts I am feeling for others center around accepting God's doings in other people's lives--or at times, His not-doings the way I would want Him to). Resist the devil, and he will flee from you (Hmm . . . this speaks a LOT to the old baggage stuff that's rearing its ugly head). Come near to God and he will come near to you (so THAT'S how to feel His nearness moreso than I do now . . . could He have been any clearer on this one?)."
That's all I have right now. I hope to post soon on some interesting and very spiritually-challenging reading I've started lately.
In typing this just now I wanted to look up the verse about drawing near to God and Him drawing near to me. I found it in James and found it interesting that the passage speaks directly to each of the issues I listed above (in order even!)--funny how that happens sometimes.
James 4:7, 8 (my comments are italicized within the text below)
"Submit yourselves, then, to God (the hurts I am feeling for others center around accepting God's doings in other people's lives--or at times, His not-doings the way I would want Him to). Resist the devil, and he will flee from you (Hmm . . . this speaks a LOT to the old baggage stuff that's rearing its ugly head). Come near to God and he will come near to you (so THAT'S how to feel His nearness moreso than I do now . . . could He have been any clearer on this one?)."
That's all I have right now. I hope to post soon on some interesting and very spiritually-challenging reading I've started lately.
Thursday, March 11, 2010
Soul Searching
Tonight I am struggling. I don't have a lot of energy to write, so I'll make this sort of brief. Tonight something happened that brought to light something I thought I had moved past. It's funny how that happens, isn't it? Something that happened so long ago, something you think you've all but forgotten about, and then whammo! there it is again, staring you in the face, daring you to deal with it.
I saw a side of myself that I didn't think I wanted to see. Let me explain just a little.
Years ago, someone said something to me that hurt. Big deal, right? No, I mean really hurt. This person used words to cut so deeply at a time when I was at my most vulnerable emotionally that I think I may ever have been in my life. She did it without thinking. It happened so fast I barely had time to realize what was going on. She did it publicly. It was humiliating. And it hurt. And I've never forgotten.
Now, I know from experience that forgiveness is not the same as forgetfulness. It is entirely possible, I believe, to forgive someone and yet still retain the memory of the pain that resulted at the time from the situation. I think many of us struggle with the difference between remembering painful memories and holding true grudges. A grudge is not right. Scripturally, it's not right. We shouldn't hold them. But painful memories--those just are what they are. And yes, God heals. I believe that. But the memory that, at the time, the event was painful is just that--a memory.
Anyway, tonight something happened that brought all of this flooding back. And suddenly, something I thought I had moved past, was right there again. I found myself right back there, in that painful place, hearing those painful words that tore right through me at the time and I realized--I'm still torn.
I hesitated to blog about this. But then I realized--the title of this blog is "restored places" and I already admitted in the first post that I still have places needing restoring. So I am admitting that this is one of them.
I once read a book by a popular family counselor who wrote about the concept of "stupid forgiveness." By this he meant that it is one thing to forgive a person for something they have done to hurt you. But forgiveness does not expect that you will then automatically allow that person access to the innermost parts of your life to give them the chance to do it all over again.
I thought (until I just typed that) that that reasoning was the justification for my response tonight. But now I realize, it wasn't. I wasn't in any danger of this person lashing out in this same way again and causing that same kind of hurt all over again. I simply shut this person out due to the past experience and, what I am only guessing is a grudge I am still holding. I don't know, I'm not sure about that. But I think I need to intend to find out.
I think I have some soul searching (in its truest sense) to do regarding this person and this experience. I know this offers no real resolution at the end of this post. So if I'm leaving you in a lurch, I'm sorry. But I'm in a lurch myself it seems. I'd appreciate your prayers as I wade through this messy muck that has presented itself. And maybe think about the people who have hurt you. People you haven't had to think about in years. And think about what you would do if you suddenly had to think about them again. What would you think? Would your thoughts (and/or actions) honor God? I don't think mine did. I wonder if I'm not alone in that.
Blessings.
I saw a side of myself that I didn't think I wanted to see. Let me explain just a little.
Years ago, someone said something to me that hurt. Big deal, right? No, I mean really hurt. This person used words to cut so deeply at a time when I was at my most vulnerable emotionally that I think I may ever have been in my life. She did it without thinking. It happened so fast I barely had time to realize what was going on. She did it publicly. It was humiliating. And it hurt. And I've never forgotten.
Now, I know from experience that forgiveness is not the same as forgetfulness. It is entirely possible, I believe, to forgive someone and yet still retain the memory of the pain that resulted at the time from the situation. I think many of us struggle with the difference between remembering painful memories and holding true grudges. A grudge is not right. Scripturally, it's not right. We shouldn't hold them. But painful memories--those just are what they are. And yes, God heals. I believe that. But the memory that, at the time, the event was painful is just that--a memory.
Anyway, tonight something happened that brought all of this flooding back. And suddenly, something I thought I had moved past, was right there again. I found myself right back there, in that painful place, hearing those painful words that tore right through me at the time and I realized--I'm still torn.
I hesitated to blog about this. But then I realized--the title of this blog is "restored places" and I already admitted in the first post that I still have places needing restoring. So I am admitting that this is one of them.
I once read a book by a popular family counselor who wrote about the concept of "stupid forgiveness." By this he meant that it is one thing to forgive a person for something they have done to hurt you. But forgiveness does not expect that you will then automatically allow that person access to the innermost parts of your life to give them the chance to do it all over again.
I thought (until I just typed that) that that reasoning was the justification for my response tonight. But now I realize, it wasn't. I wasn't in any danger of this person lashing out in this same way again and causing that same kind of hurt all over again. I simply shut this person out due to the past experience and, what I am only guessing is a grudge I am still holding. I don't know, I'm not sure about that. But I think I need to intend to find out.
I think I have some soul searching (in its truest sense) to do regarding this person and this experience. I know this offers no real resolution at the end of this post. So if I'm leaving you in a lurch, I'm sorry. But I'm in a lurch myself it seems. I'd appreciate your prayers as I wade through this messy muck that has presented itself. And maybe think about the people who have hurt you. People you haven't had to think about in years. And think about what you would do if you suddenly had to think about them again. What would you think? Would your thoughts (and/or actions) honor God? I don't think mine did. I wonder if I'm not alone in that.
Blessings.
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