Soul Searching

Tonight I am struggling. I don't have a lot of energy to write, so I'll make this sort of brief. Tonight something happened that brought to light something I thought I had moved past. It's funny how that happens, isn't it? Something that happened so long ago, something you think you've all but forgotten about, and then whammo! there it is again, staring you in the face, daring you to deal with it.

I saw a side of myself that I didn't think I wanted to see. Let me explain just a little.

Years ago, someone said something to me that hurt. Big deal, right? No, I mean really hurt. This person used words to cut so deeply at a time when I was at my most vulnerable emotionally that I think I may ever have been in my life. She did it without thinking. It happened so fast I barely had time to realize what was going on. She did it publicly. It was humiliating. And it hurt. And I've never forgotten.

Now, I know from experience that forgiveness is not the same as forgetfulness. It is entirely possible, I believe, to forgive someone and yet still retain the memory of the pain that resulted at the time from the situation. I think many of us struggle with the difference between remembering painful memories and holding true grudges. A grudge is not right. Scripturally, it's not right. We shouldn't hold them. But painful memories--those just are what they are. And yes, God heals. I believe that. But the memory that, at the time, the event was painful is just that--a memory.

Anyway, tonight something happened that brought all of this flooding back. And suddenly, something I thought I had moved past, was right there again. I found myself right back there, in that painful place, hearing those painful words that tore right through me at the time and I realized--I'm still torn.

I hesitated to blog about this. But then I realized--the title of this blog is "restored places" and I already admitted in the first post that I still have places needing restoring. So I am admitting that this is one of them.

I once read a book by a popular family counselor who wrote about the concept of "stupid forgiveness." By this he meant that it is one thing to forgive a person for something they have done to hurt you. But forgiveness does not expect that you will then automatically allow that person access to the innermost parts of your life to give them the chance to do it all over again.

I thought (until I just typed that) that that reasoning was the justification for my response tonight. But now I realize, it wasn't. I wasn't in any danger of this person lashing out in this same way again and causing that same kind of hurt all over again. I simply shut this person out due to the past experience and, what I am only guessing is a grudge I am still holding. I don't know, I'm not sure about that. But I think I need to intend to find out.

I think I have some soul searching (in its truest sense) to do regarding this person and this experience. I know this offers no real resolution at the end of this post. So if I'm leaving you in a lurch, I'm sorry. But I'm in a lurch myself it seems. I'd appreciate your prayers as I wade through this messy muck that has presented itself. And maybe think about the people who have hurt you. People you haven't had to think about in years. And think about what you would do if you suddenly had to think about them again. What would you think? Would your thoughts (and/or actions) honor God? I don't think mine did. I wonder if I'm not alone in that.

Blessings.